Tuesday, August 28, 2012

missing


I’ve gained a lot from Sadie.  I have. I’ve grown to know unconditional love, understanding, being grateful for so much more than other mothers, and for giving myself completely to the care of another person.  I am so much more aware of life’s rewards and hardships.  I want this post to be about the things I miss.

I miss leaving the toilet tissue on the holder in the bathroom... she eats it and unrolls it.  I miss leaving the soap on the sink to wash my hands… she dumps it out on the floor.  I miss family photos and lamps on side tables… she breaks them.  I miss knobs on the oven… she doesn’t understand danger.  I miss unlocked cabinets.  I miss clean furniture and windows… she constantly spills food, snacks, drinks, and pees anywhere.  I miss taking a shower alone and a long one… she isn’t safe out of sight.  I miss looking at magazines and reading books… I’m tired and she tears the pages out.  I miss friends who used to think I was easy going and happy…. I’m tired and sad.  I miss sitting for more than 60 seconds… I have to be quick and on guard at any time to help her.  I miss dinner without flying food.  I miss staying up to watch a movie… I’m too tired.  I miss leaving the dog’s food and water out peacefully… she will eat the food and spill the bowl of water.  I miss going to breakfast with friends… I have to hold her firmly in my lap in a restaurant and she grabs everyone’s plate.  I miss not having a gate before the front door… she will escape and run away.  I miss books on bookshelves… they are thrown or torn.  I miss having an open refrigerator... it’s locked because she will take food out and spill it.   I miss feeling like a regular person who doesn’t worry about the things parents of special needs kids worry about.  I miss my old friends.  I miss my new friends.  I miss my family who I once identified with.   This life is different and I miss a lot.  It’s rewarding on a whole different level, but today, right now, in this moment I’m going to give myself permission to miss the Me I was before.